Today was a difficult day for me. I'm pretty sure most of you saw the local news paper. For those who didn't or haven't, Its been a pretty crazy last couple of months for me. Sometimes people have a strange way of dealing with their emotions. And sometimes, they can't deal with them at all. In *his* case, he chose to deal with them in the worst possible way by stalking me, harassing me and threatening to kill me. To the point of me having to obtain a restraining order and eventually having to have that order enforced. It's a difficult thing to do..living in fear, especially when the person putting you through it is someone you once shared a life with. It's exhausting to say the least. It's even more difficult taking the steps needed to end the fear and put that person behind bars. I have gone through every emotion in the book and then some over the past few month..
Today I had to face him in court at his arraignment. I didn't think I could do it. I even thought it was best if I didn't appear. He has had two weeks in jail now to get me out of his system..detox. Wouldn't seeing me just bring back all the emotions again? But they said it was best for me to appear, to put a face to the "victim". So I did as instructed. I unenthusiastically showed up to court. It was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. The minute they called my case, my heart began to race and my legs shook like a leaf. The sheriff opened the side door and out he came in the orange jumpsuit with chains around his waist, legs and hands. He was so thin and his facial hair had grown out. He looked nothing like the person I use to know. It was very sad. I couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Even after everything he had put me through...I felt bad. How could someone let themselves get to that point in their life..how could someone throw away everything they had and end up shackled and locked up.. I couldn't understand..I kept questioning myself and wondering if I was somehow responsible for what this man had turned in to..Everyone says, don't blame yourself, you did nothing wrong...or it's not your fault, don't feel guilty...but truth is..as much as you know those words are true..you still question yourself and your previous actions..at least I did.
The judge then asked him how he pled (there were 7 counts against him)...to my shock..he plead NOT GUILTY to all 7 counts...How could he plead not guilty???? How could he sit there knowing that he was guilty of everything he was charged for and even more...How could he do it?? I just didn't understand!!! Feeling sorry for him soon turned into anger..after all this he still couldn't stop lying.
The judge then set a status conference date for 30 days from today..which means it's not over...how could it not be over...why? why couldn't he plead guilty and just take the punishment like a man. Put an end to all of this so we can both get on with our lives???? Why?? That would be too easy? Why do I have to go to another court date..to see him again..and possibly..most like a trial..why??
As he was about to leave the court room, the judge asked him if he had any family in the court he would like to talk to..He turned and glance at my mother and brother who were sitting in the back row for support...then he looked straight at me with this peircing look..as if he could kill me with his eyes..It was scary to say the least..he said "no" and walked out..I sat there and shook like a leaf...despite the handcuffs and leg restraints..despite the fact that he was going back to prison..I was scared...
Once he was out of sight, I broke down and cried...
30 days from now I will be back in court to go through this all over again..
as I left the court house I was reminded of something my mom had said to me many times before when I would find myself in troubling situations..."this too shall pass"
Yeah..it will..and I will we be ok...OK and much wiser..